Relationship Energy

When something is exchanged something is given to another in return for something else. These may be equitable or inequitable exchanges. When we talk of energy in relationships we refer to equitable exchanges as synergistic because the act of giving/receiving/giving actually creates more energy. This is most notable when the energy we look at is love. The more love we give the more love there is when love is returned to us.

In my experience there are four existing energies in relationships: the codependent, the quid pro quo, the interdependent (which I prefer to see a the 'energy flow model’) and the stagnant.

Synergistic: The synergistic model is one where the relationship energy flows symbiotically between both parties. Each gives and each receives like a fluid dance. Each participant has value and worth. Thus making it egalitarian and interdependent. I take care of me and I take care of you. You take care of you and you take care of me. Putting complete trust that things don't get split down the middle like a pie, but rather fluidly like the yin yang symbol. It is about energy flow.

Quid Pro Quo: Quid pro quo is a score keeping of sorts. I take care of me and then I negotiate as to how I'll take care of you depending on how you take care of me. Everything wants to be equal. A quid pro quo can easily become codependent when giving is unequal. I take care of me. You take care of you. And where we overlap we give to each other in a tit for tat exchange. There is a competition for control in the relationship. Each person wants to take control and attempts to impose their will. The dynamic is a tug of war. There are contradicting agendas for the relationship thus making the relationship conflicted. It is a constant power struggle.

Codependent: Codependent is a pretty well-known model. Control of and power in the relationship is retained by one solely or in majority. One decides and the other is decided upon. One has more value than the other. There is division in this relationship because one just gives and the other just receives. The relationship energy flows more from one to the other.

Stagnant: Neither party is invested in the relationship enough to engage energetically in any movement at all. It is at best a coexistence. There is no exchange at all. Each person is separate, living parallel to each other. The relationship is stagnant.

Analyzing the relationship energy flow takes into account all the ways we care for each other. From working to keep a roof overhead to doing dishes. In a synergetic relationship it also includes smiling when asked to do something by another, and how quickly you do it. When you are asked to help someone and your first inclination is to say ‘Yes’ and get up right away to do it, you add positive energy to the relationship flow. But when you grimace upon that request and postpone it, then it indicates a more quid pro quo dynamic and does not add positive energy. It doesn't necessarily add negative energy but it doesn't add positive. Its more like it is stagnant. When flowing energy meets stagnant energy there is resistance. This is where a relationship can either become a power struggle (quid pro quo) or devolve further into either a codependent or stagnant dynamic.

A quid pro quo minded person and a symbiotic minded person will ultimately result in a codependent relationship. Two quid pro quo minded individuals will devolve from the power struggle to stagnation.

The only happily successful longterm relationship energy dynamic is a synergistic one.