Forgiveness - The How

Forgiveness seems to be a hot topic of late. How to do it. When to do it. Why to do it.

Many people grew up with the notion that forgiving someone who did the hurting lets them off the hook. That you forgave, because it was the 'right' thing or the 'Christian' thing to do. I suppose this came from the notion that God forgave man's sins and so that is what man needs to do.

Then along came the idea that forgiveness is for yourself, which is true but so far as I know, the HOW of it has been skipped over. Its sort of been like Nike's 'Just Do It'. That is not realistic in any way. Yes, we do forgive for our own benefit, absolutely, but it isn't something we can 'just do' in a healthy manner.

I wish I could come up with some sort of cute description that 'forgive' stands for. I suppose if I did it would be that 'forgiving is for giving peace to ourselves". Again, though we come to the 'how' of forgiveness.

First, we must understand what occurred in the first place that requires forgiving. Let's be honest, the reason we need to forgive someone is because we've been hurt. There are two things that get us to the point that we've been hurt: 1) A mistake was made; 2) We had expectations we had no business having.

When a mistake has been made and that person makes an authentic apology we find it easy to forgive. We release the anger that the hurt caused and we move on because we have gotten the validation and comfort we needed. We mistakenly think that this is what we need in all cases to forgive, but it isn't. First of all, some people make a habit of behaving poorly and later making apologies to make it right. If an apology is all we needed to 'feel better' then these meaningless apologies would suffice, but they don't. Sincerity is imperative for an authentic apology.

Secondly, not everyone has the capacity to accept accountability, something else that is imperative for an authentic apology. The quality to be comfortable enough to be able to say 'I didn't live up to my highest potential when I did (or didn't do) thus and so' is missing in a lot of individuals. The toxic operating system gets in the way, by associating imperfection with failure. Imperfection is not failure, it is just the human condition. By understanding that there are times we fall short of our own expectations, other times that we fall short of other's expectations of us and still other times when there are misunderstandings we can release the idea that apologies mean failure. Yes, we may have failed to meet expectations and we may have failed to communicate effectively but this in and of itself is not failure. It is life, full of opportunity to do better.

So, now the 'how' of forgiving in the absence of an authentic apology.

Don't attack them...ATTACK the situation. ATTACK= Admit, Thank, Think, Accept, Consciously-choose, Know

• Admit that you made an error in expecting something from someone they were incapable of providing. You can even say aloud to no one in particular "I forgive you, because I had no right to expect you to be more than you are capable of being." Then forgive yourself for having those expectations.

• Thank the Universe for showing you just what this person is capable of, so your expectations will be more inline in the future. Utilize the information you have gleaned to help you in future engagements with this particular individual. It may be that you wish to end the relationship altogether, that's your judgement call based on the specifics of the situation and the relationship.

• Think about what you could've done differently to affect the outcome, for future reference. Would you communicate your expectations more effectively? Would you double check the expectations on both parts? Would you get something in writing?

• Accept them for who they are in their entirety. While you may wish for them to be different, they are not. They have no responsibility to live up to your expectations. Accept them for what they are, not what you think they could be.

• Consciously choose to replace your hurt and anger with love. This has nothing to do with them. You have a choice to feel anger and hurt or to feel love. Love yourself. When the anger or hurt come up, turn it inside out and feel love streaming out of your heart and surrounding yourself.

• Know that this situation has benefits for you, hidden treasures, if you only seek them. You have a choice in whether this experience makes you softer or makes you harder. Choose soft. You don't have to be soft with this person ever again, but you don't need to be bitter. Don't be bitter, be better.